Right now

im at my moms office, listening to music and just hanging out.
This past week has been an emotional one if nothing else.

I've finally realized and even though i already know this but i don't need certain people in my life.
Its time i got rid of Jarrod i can't be his friend or anything else its to hard and its obvious he only wants some ass.

My best guy friend Josh pointed all of this out to me. Josh is a good guy to me. He has everything i would want in a guy. But he's my best friend and i don't want to ruin our friendship. but i love him. I think im just trying to use him as a rebound.

But yeah he told me to just forget Jarrod, but me being the person i am couldn't just leave it at that. I had to write the boy a message telling him how i felt. I've given him way to much power over me. To think that a couple months ago i wasn't even into him or thinking about him,

I think thats how i am though, i replace guys right away. i don't like to be alone. I don't want to say i need a guy but its easier to have one. But im growing and realizing that im going to be okay all by damn self. I just need a little time and my good friends.

So yeah since i was feeling really low, i called my ex and invited him over. I'll tell you about that later.

So, i found out

like 2 weeks ago, that the guy i had been hooking up with. From kissing to freaking down right having sex with and even going on dates too. Had a girlfriend. We'd been hooking up for almost 4 months. I know you're saying come on girl, you must have realized that something wasn't right. I did and i had asked him about it on more than one occasion, every time he would say no im single, or drea its complicated, or my favorite, it won't be like this forever.

Let me give you some background on this guy, I've dated him before. He was my first everything: my first kiss, my first love, they guy i lost my virginity too. We dated for almost 2 years. then broke up, it was to the point where we fought more then we were happy. It was over.

Fast forward three years, he's been dating this girl Jessica. I don't like her and neither does his family, although my dislike for her is more of a personal one. I mean come one she's dating my first love, and treating him like crapp. So deep down i know i should feel bad about being the other girl, but secretly im glad. thats something i could never admit to my friends or anyone else. But he told me they were over. did i believe him? No not really. did i care? No not really.

I didn't intend on falling for Jarrod again, but i did. I just wanted to have Cosme fun with a guy i love and trust. But lately its been screwed up. I just realize that he probably only wanted me for sex. And thats hard for me to deal with. But now they're back together, but he keeps calling me. I finally deleted him from my myspace.

But he just sent me a friend request. I know he has no idea why i deleted him, but some mush bs went down yesterday with him its not even funny.

What happened Yesterday:
Yesterday, he called me around noon and told me he was single, that him and jess had broken up, that she had picked another guy. And that he was through with her

he calls me again like around 7, and tells me that, he wants to take her back and that shes begging him, and that she really loves him not the other guy. But he doesn't think he can trust her and he wants my advice. So i give him some good advice, as a friend, not as a girl who's heart was just ripped out of her body. and he takes her back

so he calls me later, and thanks me for being there for him. and that he loves her and that everything is good. That was the last straw for me.

i start to ball my eyes out and my friend comes over to talk. i can't be his friend anymore. I'm to hurt, i fell used and i feel dumb. I'm so confused and hurt and don't know what to do.

what do you guys think?

So, i know its been a whilw since i last posted

but so much has happened.

I've learned more about myself than i ever wanted to.
Ive learned good, bad, and downright dirty.
I've decided I'm going to have a good summer, before i start my senior year.

And, who better to share it with than you readers.

i wish we had made 6 months

Babyboy,i love you so much, i really do.Your more than what i could have ever asked for in life and i couldn't have asked for more. Your the definition of perfection and if you could look through my eyes, thats exactly what you'd see. I think its so cute how you don't see the things you do to put a smile on my face. But the question is, how can you not? Everyone else can but how are you so blind? Although that may be unanswered, i know what you do and i love it.I love how you care so much, even though i don't see it sometimes.I love how you give up your time just to call me, when you could be doing something better.I love how you give up the time you can just to spend with me on the weekends, when you can be with your friends.I love how you never give up on me, even when its probably easier just to give up and walk away.I love how no matter how stubborn, ignorant, or just stupid i am, you still put up with me; even though it can get stressful sometimes.I love how you notice all the small things, even though i may hate it at the same time sometimes.I love how your smile is so contagious-it always has me smiling right back.I love how you make the cutest faces-ah so irresistible; defiantly deserves a kiss or two..or 4567549896427 =] I love when you hold me, if i had a wish that could be granted, i would wish i could spend the rest of forever in your arms. Please hold me as tight as you can, and never let me go..please never let me slip away.I love how you stole my heart-its fragile, so please don't break it..keep it safe; you'll have it for a while.I love how you love me and i love how i love you but better yet, i love how I'm so in love with you, like head over heels in love. I know i may not be "Mrs. Perfect" and i know i never will be, but i will try my absolute best to fill her shoes.6 months, thank you for still being here. Forever is a long time and we still got a long journey to go so kick back, and enjoy the ride baby.Happy 6 months babyboyI LOVE YOU!<3