Brand New Summer

Its been a long time since i posted. I the past year and a half: i've been kicked out, slept on a school bus, in homeless shelters, had a baby, fell in love, got semi on my feet, and much more. Its been a very trying time for me. And the only thing that usually helps with my emotions and thoughts is to write them down, so this is what im doing here. Writing.

Right now

im at my moms office, listening to music and just hanging out.
This past week has been an emotional one if nothing else.

I've finally realized and even though i already know this but i don't need certain people in my life.
Its time i got rid of Jarrod i can't be his friend or anything else its to hard and its obvious he only wants some ass.

My best guy friend Josh pointed all of this out to me. Josh is a good guy to me. He has everything i would want in a guy. But he's my best friend and i don't want to ruin our friendship. but i love him. I think im just trying to use him as a rebound.

But yeah he told me to just forget Jarrod, but me being the person i am couldn't just leave it at that. I had to write the boy a message telling him how i felt. I've given him way to much power over me. To think that a couple months ago i wasn't even into him or thinking about him,

I think thats how i am though, i replace guys right away. i don't like to be alone. I don't want to say i need a guy but its easier to have one. But im growing and realizing that im going to be okay all by damn self. I just need a little time and my good friends.

So yeah since i was feeling really low, i called my ex and invited him over. I'll tell you about that later.

So, i found out

like 2 weeks ago, that the guy i had been hooking up with. From kissing to freaking down right having sex with and even going on dates too. Had a girlfriend. We'd been hooking up for almost 4 months. I know you're saying come on girl, you must have realized that something wasn't right. I did and i had asked him about it on more than one occasion, every time he would say no im single, or drea its complicated, or my favorite, it won't be like this forever.

Let me give you some background on this guy, I've dated him before. He was my first everything: my first kiss, my first love, they guy i lost my virginity too. We dated for almost 2 years. then broke up, it was to the point where we fought more then we were happy. It was over.

Fast forward three years, he's been dating this girl Jessica. I don't like her and neither does his family, although my dislike for her is more of a personal one. I mean come one she's dating my first love, and treating him like crapp. So deep down i know i should feel bad about being the other girl, but secretly im glad. thats something i could never admit to my friends or anyone else. But he told me they were over. did i believe him? No not really. did i care? No not really.

I didn't intend on falling for Jarrod again, but i did. I just wanted to have Cosme fun with a guy i love and trust. But lately its been screwed up. I just realize that he probably only wanted me for sex. And thats hard for me to deal with. But now they're back together, but he keeps calling me. I finally deleted him from my myspace.

But he just sent me a friend request. I know he has no idea why i deleted him, but some mush bs went down yesterday with him its not even funny.

What happened Yesterday:
Yesterday, he called me around noon and told me he was single, that him and jess had broken up, that she had picked another guy. And that he was through with her

he calls me again like around 7, and tells me that, he wants to take her back and that shes begging him, and that she really loves him not the other guy. But he doesn't think he can trust her and he wants my advice. So i give him some good advice, as a friend, not as a girl who's heart was just ripped out of her body. and he takes her back

so he calls me later, and thanks me for being there for him. and that he loves her and that everything is good. That was the last straw for me.

i start to ball my eyes out and my friend comes over to talk. i can't be his friend anymore. I'm to hurt, i fell used and i feel dumb. I'm so confused and hurt and don't know what to do.

what do you guys think?

So, i know its been a whilw since i last posted

but so much has happened.

I've learned more about myself than i ever wanted to.
Ive learned good, bad, and downright dirty.
I've decided I'm going to have a good summer, before i start my senior year.

And, who better to share it with than you readers.

i wish we had made 6 months

Babyboy,i love you so much, i really do.Your more than what i could have ever asked for in life and i couldn't have asked for more. Your the definition of perfection and if you could look through my eyes, thats exactly what you'd see. I think its so cute how you don't see the things you do to put a smile on my face. But the question is, how can you not? Everyone else can but how are you so blind? Although that may be unanswered, i know what you do and i love it.I love how you care so much, even though i don't see it sometimes.I love how you give up your time just to call me, when you could be doing something better.I love how you give up the time you can just to spend with me on the weekends, when you can be with your friends.I love how you never give up on me, even when its probably easier just to give up and walk away.I love how no matter how stubborn, ignorant, or just stupid i am, you still put up with me; even though it can get stressful sometimes.I love how you notice all the small things, even though i may hate it at the same time sometimes.I love how your smile is so contagious-it always has me smiling right back.I love how you make the cutest faces-ah so irresistible; defiantly deserves a kiss or two..or 4567549896427 =] I love when you hold me, if i had a wish that could be granted, i would wish i could spend the rest of forever in your arms. Please hold me as tight as you can, and never let me go..please never let me slip away.I love how you stole my heart-its fragile, so please don't break it..keep it safe; you'll have it for a while.I love how you love me and i love how i love you but better yet, i love how I'm so in love with you, like head over heels in love. I know i may not be "Mrs. Perfect" and i know i never will be, but i will try my absolute best to fill her shoes.6 months, thank you for still being here. Forever is a long time and we still got a long journey to go so kick back, and enjoy the ride baby.Happy 6 months babyboyI LOVE YOU!<3

wow, how quickly things change

i thought i loved him, and that he loved me but boy was i wrong. He doesn t love me , he hurts me. You would think that if you truly loved someone you wouldnt want them to feel pain, but no he doesnt care. H emessages girls on myspace and tries to hook up with girls all the time. And he, he must think im oblivious to everything he does, but im not i realize it all.
I am not gonna to stand by and let him play me like that, im threw forever

i can honestly say

my life rules

my so happy right now, more than ive ever been.

and not just because of the boyfriend, but because my friends are geunuine and true, I have 5 amazing bestfriends. I love my man. My mom and i are getting along. Its honestly all good!!!!!

today

is our one month anniversary.

here is a note i wrote him on myspace and his reply:

HIM----------------- Original Message -------------From: Im Finally Fuckin PeacefuL
Date: Dec 3, 2007 4:53 PM
after readin tht baby i really feel like im loved not that i havent been i just feel it more im happy that i met u i love u more than u kno and if i had the chance 2 marry u now i would in a heart beat i kno it early and i ant tryin 2 move fast but im sure that when i look at u i see my futre wife

ME ----------------- Original Message -----------------From: DRE
Date: Dec 3, 2007 10:51 AM
Hey baby,
You asked me to write you a letter instead of telling you out loud. Which I guess makes since, because people tend to reveal more in a letter than in person. Plus i’ve always been a good writer so yeah.I guess ill start from the beginning.
I am extremely happy with you and the way our relationship is going. You make me so happy, happier than i’ve been a long time. You’re my best friend, I tell you everything, though there are probably some things you wish I would keep to myself. But I guess what I’m saying with that subject is that you’re more than just my boyfriend; you’re my best friend too. And if we were to break up id be losing one of the best friends i’ve ever had. I trust you more than I trust people i’ve known my whole life. You’re the one I know will be there for me, if I needed you. You’re the one I would call in at 3 in the morning because im feeling down and I know that you would be tired, but you would still listen. I love you, and i know you love me, and I know it may not seem like it but I do realize how hard you try to make me happy. I understand that you genuinely don’t like to tell me no.
I love you more than i’ve ever loved anyone before in my entire life. I love you with not just my heart, but my soul, body and everything in between. It so scary how much I do love you and how much faith and trust I have in you. Im so afraid of getting my heart broken, that im becoming paranoid, not because of you or anything you’ve done but because my mind just doesn’t believe that something so good could be happening. Im scared, and I guess it started recently, in a way it’s a good thing, it shows how much I care about you, and that I realize how much I do care. I know that you try to reassure me and I’d like to think of myself as one of those girls that gives the benefit of the doubt. Like this morning I am sorry I even felt the need to call you and ask you if you went to the party. But im looking for something to be wrong so that I can be like “yes im not paranoid”. I could tell that you were aggravated with the situation, and probably upset at me, at the fact that I would believe that. I don’t know why im listening to this stupid girl, when I should just have faith in you. But again im sorry.
When im with you, I feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. The way you look at me brings tingles all over my body, its unreal. When we kiss and do other things Its really nice. I like it. I am finally ready to truly make love with you, not just have sex. I want to be with you like that. Im ready to be with you like that. Not just sex but more. I hope you feel the same way but I don’t know and that’s another thing that freaks me out, I don’t know how you feel about me or what you’re thinking about me, or really what’s going on in you’re head, and that really scares me. But I have faith in you and our relationship, and as long as I do, nothing or no one, including me can break us up. I love you, just doesn’t even feel like enough anymore. I wish there were more words to describe it.

So in other words,
I love you
Drea

thanksgiving

was intresting
stories to come!!!!

made me feel so low today

ive never felt that low before. okay well i have. but i swear the nerve of this boy.
my mom invited the boyfirned ot come to the movies wih us, so she could meet him. he first says yes, then 10 minutes before we come to get him he cancels on me.

i think that is so rude, and i know mom does, shes just to nice to say anything.

im so pissed right now

should i or should i not?

the boyfriend wants a Playstaion 3 for christmas
It cost about $399 or $420 with tax.
He wants it bad yeah.
but mind you i dont have a job or money

what do i do?

This weekend

Friday i invited the boyfriend over to watch TV. Yeah i know what you're thinking what teenage boy actually wants to just sit and watch TV, when he could be hooking up with his girlfriend. So that's how my night went. He would kiss me, then kiss my neck, and i was gone, i was like take me I'm all yours. But i have to say, i have amazing will power. Every time it seemed to be going to far i would stop. It kinda pissed me off, because i had told him earlier in the week i wanted to try celibacy. HA HA. So about 30 minutes before hes gonna leave, he just starts to kiss me, with kissing me hes hoping that ill get distracted and not notice hes taking my jeans off. I'm in my thong and tank top. and he pulls my thong to the side and penetrates me. By this time, I'm just like whatever, you want it, go along ahead. I swear sit there like a freaking board, i don't move. Halfway through he' s like baby you were right, i think we should wait. I say you asshole, get off me. Like who stops having sex when youre in the middle. And then he says maybe you do need matching bra an dunderware. Im like a little upset right now, becuas ei wanted our first time togther after a long time to be speical. I wanted matching bra and uunderware. and i feel like he was mocking me, and i tell him, so. Like why is he so stubborn. Gosh Darn it. ha. So after about 15 minutes he leaves, which is fine wiht me, cause im in a rotten mood. He calls me 45 minutes later, mind me his house is like 10 minutes away, to tell me that he just got home and is going to bed. So im like whatever have a great night.

The next day, i dont hear form him at all. I call him baout 3 times, once at 11, once at 4 ,a nd again at 11pm. My messages get colder and colder. Forgive me if my first though is he's dodging my calls, and he just used me last night. I felt really hurt. Because this boy has cheated on me, and hurt really badly before. I gave him heart again, and i wa sso scare dhe was gonna hurt me again. And imagine what im going through at the time. My thoughs are of coursre the worst. That no good asshole, just freaking used me for sex. I was so hurt, i think i cried for like 2 hours, and of course none of my "friends" were there for me. Big suprise? not really. Finally at like 3 the next day, when the saints game was on he decides to call me. And feeds me this excuse about how his phone feel in the toliet and how he couldnt use it. But i love him and i believe him, because i truly have put the past in the past. He hasnt given me a reason to nor believe him, and did i mention that i love him.

So thats my great weekend. Unfortunatly its back to school: the world of backstabbers and liars.

11-7-07

i would have to say is one of the best days of my enitire lifef. It when me and my exboyfriend got together agigan. I have the most amazing boyfriend ever. I love him so muchhh and people may not understand why, but to me it doesnt matter. He makes me incredibly happy. He is my bestfriend and im so blessed to have him in my life. He brings out the best of me and make me feel amazing. When i talk to him or when im with him i feel so beautiful and on top of thr world. I love you baby11-7-07. People may think its to soon for theier to be love between us, but i feel bad for them, because i know what truelove is and i understand it ,and when im with him, ive never felt better. So I LOVE YOU BABY!!!!!

The Jena 6

I live in Louisiana and I'm also a junior in high school. and I'm an African American person.
I'm seriously outraged at all of this CRAP!
My mother always told me you have no control over the actions of others. I'm makes me so mad that this has gotten so much publicity.They committed a crime. 6 guys jumped 1 guy. That was wrong and unfair. They deserve to be punished for that. But going as far as calling the fight 2nd degree attempted murder or whatever else is just wrong. The hurt teen went to the hospital, got some stitches and then went to a school dance, obviously he wasn't that hurt at all. i say make them do maybe 6 months, or community service.
This should never have become a race issue, and that is what truly upsets me. Because white kids hung nooses, black kids rioted, white kids made jokes and ubsence comments, black kids jumped 1 white kid.
The black students should have just sucked it up. That was the white kids hangout place, I bet the black kids would've been mad or angry and also retaliated had the white kids say at their hangout. I'm not defending the actions of anyone, but get over it, and find a different spot, when you do stupid crap like that of course its going to cause issues. Just stop the fucking drama!

and thats all i got to say

im just really tired

but no like physically tired, I'm getting enough sleep and everything else but I'm just so tired of everything. My life, my friends, the way things are going right now. I'm not truly happy, i cant remember the last time i was really happy, its been so long. I feel like its putting a strain on me and everything else is being affected. I'm starting to feel myself slowly but surely withdraw from everything and everyone. I'm so tired of putting on a front or facade. its too timeconsuming and its sucking the life out of me. I just wish i could be complelty happy but i know thats impossible. As soon as something is going good and right, something bad has to happen. But thats life. Friends. haha. thats a word right there, Nobody understands what im going through, except maybe Brittni, and she lives oh so far away. ican't confide in anyone, because honestly i just dont feel like having to build that trust up with a person, just to have them stab you in the back. Even people you think are your freinds, really arent. They forget about you when someone or soemthing better comes along. And so ive complelty given up on trust, love, bestfriends and alll that other crapppppp. BYEEEEEEEEE

My new journey

In may of 08 im going o try out for the varsity cheerleading team, and vollyball team.
But i need to lose weight, and its not juts because of how i look, but how i feel when i look in my mirror, i want to change the person i see looking back at me. I dont feel good about my appreance, everything else i love about myself. But yes, im gonna be losing weight (trying), taking tumbling and cheer lessons, and running!!! But i need your help
i really dont know how to like actually lose weight a healthy wayy. any of you been in my postion. Lost the weight and kept it of? Give me ideas. Please and Thanks

Quotes i stole from my friend Justine

in three words i could sum upeverything i learned about life:
it goes on everything i learned about love:it doesnt last and
everything i learned about people:they change fast

did you know that she has seven kinds of smiles?
one when something really makes her laugh ;
one when shes making plans ;
one when shes laughing just out of politness;
one when shes uncomfortable ;
one when shes making fun of herself ;
one when shes having fun with her friends;
&& one when shes thinking about you.

i keep telling myself i can't like this guy.
but i see your gorgeous eyes and
i'm not going to lie. i can't get over this guy.

Whoever said, "You don't know what you have until it's gone" is wrong,
because you know exactly what you have when you have it,
you just don't know how much you need it until you can't have it anymore.

Do you have that one person
that makes you wonder 'what if'?

She lies awake in her bed,
Thinking of every little time
he glanced at her...

You're the one who broke my heart,
You're the reason my world fell apart,
You're the one who made me cry,
& I still wanna love you,
but I don'tknow why...

Just because he doesnt answer
doesnt mean he doesn't care
some of Gods greatest gifts
are unanswered prayers.

When you fall on somebody, its not enough
to say you didnt mean to; after all, he probably
didnt mean to be beneath you.

You know me too well. When I said I didnt love you,
you looked at me & said, "Bullshit, youre just running away.

"People change. Even the person you thought you knew the most changes.
& even though it hurts to see them go, you have to move on,
for the sweet memories are all you have,
& things might never be the same.

Messing up his life isnt the best revenge.
Its getting on with yours
& living it to the fullest that kills him.

Its funny how you can grow away from your friends,
when just a few years ago they were the most important
people in your life.

Im not going anywhere.
This is it for me. Youre it for me.
& I cant pretend to feel any less than I do.
Im sorry ;; I just cant. [ Gilmore Girls ]

I never knew until that moment,
what it was like to lose something
I never really had.[ The Wonder Years ]

Cause once upon a time we were best friends..
& yes theres been a lot of bad stuff in between,
but none of that matters right now ;;
you need me,im there any time, any place, any where.

The process of letting go isnt easy ;
but its part of growing up..

I cant be the best person in this world but I can be me,
I may not be the sweetest but I can be as I can be,
I may not be the one for you, but Ill always be there for you

Everything gets better in the end,
if it's not better, it's not the end.

I'm ready to be the girl I used to be.
The one who never cried,
never got mad about dumb things,
& the one girl who would never
worry about being in love.

i want a guy that will make me happy
someone that will make me smile when i hear his voice
someone thatll love me unconditionally
i want someone that'll have my friends
saying to one another,"shes happy again"

If you can go to being 'just friends' after dating someone,
you were really only friends from the start.
It's okay if you can't do it.
It means you actually felt something for them.

i'm a mess and my room usually is too.
i laugh at the stupidest things and
i'm known for saying the wrong things at the wrong time
and sometimes i cry for no reason and yeah
i get jealous sometimes but that's who i am -
take it or leave it

take a chance you never know how
absolutely perfect it can be.

well

today was um diffrent,

hung out with my mom all day, it was oddly nice. its been so long since we've done anything just the too of us. I realized how much i missed her. Even though i get mad at her sometimes, i still love her wiht everything i have in me.

We got a manicure and pedicure in the morning. Then we went to Las Palmas for lunch. And we talked, had an actual convo. I told he rhow i'd been feeling about how much she's working. And i how i feel like im raising my sister. And just how i wish i could go party with my friends. And she told me how me she appreciates everything i do, and it just felt good to be able to connect after so long. We bonded over tacos and margaritas. A virgin one for me.

Then we went to the mall, and got me some new clothes. I was in dire need of some. Then we stopped for chinese on the way homee.

be back later

Well, I posted this on my Myspace page

Yesterday,

I realized I was at point in my life that I didn't want to be. It's mostly my own fault I was there. I let others determine my happiness level, I let things my "friends" do determine how im going to be for the rest of the day. I depend on my "friends" to be there for me, when I need it. I realized yesterday, when I was in my room crying, that I can't do that anymore. People let you down, stab you in the back. It's also usually the people closest to you that are holding the knife. I do thank GOD though that I have person I can fully trust with my back, and she knows who she is, she has been there with me since 6th grade. We've been through so much together its unbelievable. She has been there for me through everything.
She is an example of what a Best Friend is. And I started to realize that I throw that privilege out way too much. Once I consider you my best friend, I would do anything for you, anything. Unless it something really, really wrong then ill tell your dumb ass no. But last night I realized that people have different expectations as to what a best friend is. Because I know if one of my best friends needed to talk for 15 minutes then I would be there. But that's just the type of friend I am.
All I wanted was 15 minutes; I needed a talk from anyone I cared about, or anyone who cared about me. I had to face something I wasn't ready to. the guy who raped me. I ha dto testify. But Tayla was there, she went with me, to face it. I just needed to talk over the phone, but she dropped everything she was doing, came over and just gave me a hug. In that hug was love, from one best friend to another. I needed that. She gave me a pep talk, and we left my house, I was feeling so strong and on top of the world.
Last night, was well not my best moment. And that's an understatement. I considered doing things I hadn't in like a year and a half. That was when I probably hit rock bottom and realized that oh hell no, I can't let others determine my feelings. It was like whoa. A light bulb going off in my head. So from now on, im not going to let the people close to me make me feel bad ever again.
I do what I can, I apologize when I should, and I admit im wrong. That's as much as I can humanly do. If that's not enough oh well, im through being a doormat, and letting shit happen. Im sensitive, I have feelings. I may be a bitch, but im a bitch with feelings. Things others wouldn't care about, I do. My name not being on a list, my picture being moved down, not getting a phone call, or being returned a message. Simple stuff like that. I used to let it hurt me. But not anymore. Im done
Well thanks for reading. I love you.
Drea

weekend remix

And top of all that suckiness
i had to see the guy i loved with all of my heart, with his new girlfriend. That was just the cherry on top of the sundae. You have no idea, how much that hurt. That boy was my everything, i loved him. Like i have never loved anyone as much as i loved him. I gave that boy my virginity. But i ruined it, i lied from the very beginning about something so small. I didnt know our friendship would turn into a romantic relationship. I didnt know that lie would come back and kick me in the ass. I lied about my age. When he asked, i said how old do you think i am? He replied 15? and i agreed with him. But i was 14. My birthday was gonna take place during the summer in july, so he thought it was okay since i'd be turning 16. He was 16 turning 17. He was amazing, he made me feel accepted, when i was the outsider. At the camp i was attending everybody had known each other for years, and here i was the new girl. But he befriended me, and i got alot of rap for it. People just couldnt understand why he would want me, why he liked me. But i knew why, we just clicked from the moment we looked at each other. I knew that was the boy i wanted to be with, the one i wanted in my life. Our relationship was amazing. We had the type of relationship where no words had to be spoken, but we knew exaclty what the other was thinking. But people just couldnt accept that we were happy and in love. They had to ruin it. Well i guess we kinda did, campers, and counselors arent allowed to have outside relationships. Someone told on us, and it was either i leave or he leave. And he needed the job, so i left. While i was gone, so many lies were planted in his head, but he didnt believe any of them, until the age lie came back. He started to piece the parts together and realized i had lied to him. And of course he broke up with me. But unfortunately for me that wasnt the last time we would see each other. I had paid to go on a 8 day trip to chicago and so had he. and guess who's birthday was during that trip? mineee. On the night of my birthday we got to go to this teen club, and i guess to hurt me, he danced with every single girl he knew hated me. And he succeded and hurting me, i cryed for like a good 30 minutes. but then i realized that 2 could play that game. I decided you know what it was my birthday, i was gonna have a great time. So i started partying it up and drinking a bit too much. By the end of the night i had, had way to much to drink and i could barley walk. Guess who was my prince charming. He picked me up and carried me the entire way back to the hotel. Tucked me into my bed, and slept on the chair in my room, to make sure i was okay. He does those kind of wonderful things for me, even after all the pain i caused him. All the hurt i brought to him. The next morning, he told me he forgave me and that he loved me, and that he always would, that he would have dated me even if i was 14 turning 15. That morning i gave him my virginity. It was the most amazing experince i had ever had in my short life. It was something we did in love. But i knew it was a goodbye kind of thing. I knew it was like the end of part of my life, and the beginning od another. The next day we left and came back home. I havent talked to him in about a year, unless you count the occasional myspace message asking him how's he doing or vice versa.So seeing him on sunday night at walmart it just kinda threw me for a loop, but seeing that he wasnt alone, that was the hard part. To have to act that i no longer had any feelings for him was really hard. Those few minutes we caught up, were the longest in my life. But the hug when we parted brought back all those memories, i felt a spark, and i think he did also, because he asked for my number, and said we should get together soon. But it hurt none the less. I just had to share this with someone.